Monday, July 8, 2013

Zip Code Therapy

I mentioned in the post before last that I have therapist and we plan to move out of NYC in the summer of 2014.  Those two things are closely related, mostly because I talk a lot about moving in therapy.  Let me fill you in…

I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly for nearly a year now (before the pregnancy-related depression was even a thing).  I decided to see someone when I realized that for a happy, healthy person, with a great family, job and life I was feeling stressed, anxious and guilty too much of the time. I was hard myself, and Jeff and it was wearing us both down.  Originally, I suggested couples therapy to Jeff, and he gave me a look that said “um, I’ll do whatever you want, but I think you’re the one who really needs the help”.  Turns out, he was right, I was/am the crazy one! And for the most part, if I’m happy and sane, Jeff is too. It’s like getting two therapy sessions for the price of one!

I'm trying to prelive less
It’s still and will forever be a work in progress, but over the past year I’ve learned to loosen up, stress less and live more in the moment.  I feel less guilty about time spent away from Colette, whether it be for work or for a manicure, and less guilty about turning down invitations to events I have zero interest in attending (nope, I do not want to go to a 3-day music festival on a farm in Tennessee) and less anxious about staying still. It’s a skill that was not passed to me by my fabulous, but also crazy (in a good way) Mom. No joke…it’s seriously mentally and physically harder for the Leonards to stay still than it is to keep on moving, which can be great at times, but also exhausting for those of us with this disorder, as well as our loved ones.

For a while, I was blaming all my stress and anxiety on living in New York City. It’s true; NYC is a high-intensity environment, a place where an average subway ride can put a native New Yorker dazed on Xanax on edge. But through talking about it more, I’ve realized that although the city is the cause of some of my discontent, it’s really only a small-fraction. In truth, the city and all the craziest associated with it, is a huge part of my happiness.

Yep, we'll take her with us. 
It’s taken some soul-searching, professional help, and talks with supportive family and friends, but I do believe that if I can’t find happiness and peace within in NYC, then I won’t find it anywhere else.  I’m learning that contentedness comes from within and is not associated with zip codes.  With that being said, I want to move.  I’ve wanted to move to Connecticut for a while, but now I finally think I want to move for the right reasons. I understand that Connecticut can’t make me any happier or calmer than NYC can, and that Connecticut might solve some problems, but will create others.  A move to Connecticut is in our future, and my only hope is that our life will be just as good as it is now.